In a mood

Don’s reaction was what I expected. He listened, asked a couple of clarifying questions. Hugged me and told me everything would be OK. I thought….”probably right”. I love him. The weekend passed without incident.

By 8:45am on Monday I was at the Dr.’s office filling out my background forms. The nurse called me and we headed to the scale (At least I didn’t gain over the weekend). I meet with the Dr. and he starts by asking about family history and risk factors stating that its very unusual for someone my age to have AFIB. (I’m thinking, of course, because I was also too young to have my gall bladder out and spinal surgery…ugh). I ask him if this is because I am overweight. He says no. No family history. No high blood pressure. Not a smoker.

BUT do I drink? Yes of course… I’m grown. How many and how often? Maybe 2-3 days per week, two of those being 2 drinks the others more. How much more? It turns out that 5 or more drinks in an occasion is considered binge drinking. For woman its 4 or more. And I certainly was binge drinking once a week. I was really surprised because I guessed that 50% of the people I know drink the same or more than me. (you know who you are lol). And binge drinking is strongly linked to AFIB. Great.

He explained that he wants me to stay on the medicine for 4-6 weeks to see if my heart gets back into rhythm. He also wants me to have a variety of tests done to see if I have any structural issues. After the tests we will figure out what to do next. In the mean time he suggests I cut down on the alcohol. “No problem,”I think to myself.

WELL that brings us to today. Friday the 4th of January. And while I have lots more to say about AFIB and the past several months I am skipping to the present. As the work day was wrapping up I started to feel down. It’s Friday afternoon and I have no plans tonight. I have no plans this weekend. I have no plans next week. I do not have a social event on the calendar until March. Why? I don’t know what people do socially without alcohol. Isn’t that crazy? I mean when people aren’t managing life responsibilities what do they do in their free or what I call “grown-up time?”

I understand that I can still go to happy hour. But truthfully I don’t think I am ready for that. I still feel a tinge of anger that imbibing is no longer an option which makes me worry I won’t be great company. Additionally it would be a temptation I don’t need. I’m not 100% I wouldn’t convince myself that just one wouldn’t hurt and it could.

I feel like I need to add bunch of disclosures including, “I know I have it too good to whine about this.” and “Yes, I realize there are people really suffering out there.” But I’m still sad and a tinge mad. I’ll figure it out… probably. We will have to find out together.