Therapy…again…

I have never been shy about the fact that I have attended therapy in the past. It started in college with coming out issues….funny story actually. One beautiful day I was sitting on the college green with a guy, named Guy. He was THE “out” student on campus. Despite our liberal arts curriculum and differently coeducational mantra he was the only person I knew on campus that was openly gay. He was also awesome. Guy was in his early 30’s , a non-traditional student at Wheaton for sure, African American and gay. He was a writer, handsome and I thought very sophisticated.

Somehow we wound up sitting together on the green, we called it the Dimple at Wheaton, having a real heart to heart. He told me his coming out story. And for the first time someone was explaining to me feelings that I recognized. As he continued to share I realized that the feelings I had weren’t merely physical attractions to other men. I was gay…or for certain bisexual, I don’t recall the entire conversation but I do know I made a beeline from the dimple to the counseling center when our conversation was over. A older woman was sittng at the front desk (in truth she was likely only in her 40’s) and I told her I needed to see a counselor. She looked at me over the rim of her glasses and said “is everything ok?” I remember leaning in and saying in almost a whisper. “Yes, but I think I might be gay.” She nodded and looked even more concerned. I recall quickly adding, “And I am ok with that…its just, well… I’m going to have to tell my girlfriend.” She scheduled me the next day. And there you have it; my first meaningful foray into therapy. AND I LOVED IT!

Since then I have mostly sought therapy around relationship issues. Mostly to get support when considering leaving. A therapist can be a real ally in making a big decision especially if they only have your side of the story. (being super honest right there).

Fast forward to a month or so ago. This time was different. I had become incredibly anxious about invasive medical procedures since my back surgery. Even having blood drawn became a cause for anxiety. Driving by the hospital made my stomach weak and if I spoke about my experience I would get teary-eyed. Even now as I write this I can feel that I’m welling up. (its going to be a process for sure). I really needed to address this anxiety before my cardiac ablation procedure.

I started with the therapists in my health plan. I initially looked for a woman but after leaving several messages and waiting several days none called me back. So then I called a husband and wife practice. They were both listed as LGBT friendly and had experience with treating anxiety and medical issues, among other things. I left a message for the wife. She called me back and after talking suggested that her husband was probably a better fit for me. I was really ready to get a session on the calendar so I agree a little reluctantly wondering if this older, straight man would be someone I would feel comfortable with. I reflected that I had very few relationships with older straight men that I felt were supportive in my lifetime. Maybe this would be unexpectedly positive?

With some trepidation I headed to an 8am appointment about a week later. He was very tall, thin and old. Old enough that I was surprised he was still practicing. The office was old. I literally took a seat on a leather couch ( I was not about to lay down…way too dramatic), and we began. I am not one that needs much time to warm up. I explained why I was there and what I needed from him. He listened. I talked. He listened. I talked. He told me that I had every reason to be afraid and that I had gone through a terrible ordeal. I argued a little with him that I should be happy my back was fixed and I have insurance and there are people with real problems. He told me I was allowed to be scared and sad. I needed to hear that. He agreed that going to a different facility seemed to make sense. He also agreed that having a will would cover some of my other concerns. The session ended and we schedule another the day before my procedure.

On the way out I told him I had to give up alcohol and was not sure I could do that. And that I needed to lose weight so I had to give up much of the food I enjoy. And that these changes would wreck my social life and wasn’t sure how to cope. He told me that we would address all of it in time. I wondered to myself if he would be around long enough. It seems we had a LOT to cover.